Brown Nuggets

Eternal Stranger

I live to spend time with Alex, to travel and to achieve my fitness goals. When I'm free, I read. Recently, I also watch dramas on you tube. Haha. I have no lack. I can afford to eat whatever I want and buy most of what I desire. I am so blessed. I have no worries. I am healthy, fit and strong. I am happy and finally in love. Sometimes though, I am bored...

It is often when Alex is not around that I start thinking I must apply myself more. Engage in self-development and constructive humanitarian work. Yada yada yada...

I think about my lost passions. I want to write something significant but I lack the mojo and discipline. I want to dance and sing but I have no opportunities. I must stop finding excuses.

I do not fancy the idea of going to O where there are people I know. Perhaps Wu where I can just fade into the sea of faces.

I'm weird. Most people would prefer to be around people they are familiar with but me, I feel awkward. It's as if I have done something wrong but I haven't. Or I'm ashamed. Of what? I fear being judged and being talked about. I can't stand being around noisy and rowdy people. I am the eternal stranger which most people cannot fathom/grasp.

What is wrong with me? Most people know me but only on a superficial level. I'm always the friend but never the "jie mei". Here one moment and gone the next. The mysterious person who is at the party but never seen. A passing shadow. Invisible. Invincible. Stealing through time, snapping away, soaking up experiences and gathering enjoyable memories.

But how beautiful can a memory be without love or the element of friendship? Lovely enough but forgettable. Perhaps so but is there anything wrong? Who's judging anyway? Who dictates what is good or bad, normal or weird. Perhaps I am only sane one in this strange universe.

Entertainers tend to be loud and love being in the limelight. The majority of girls in my line of work are the same. The non-stop chattering, flirting, the cutesy or seductive poses. I hate it and I have no special affection for attention seekers. People who are emotionally messed up, who think it is cool to swear and who punctuate their sentences with vulgarities. Again, how is that an attractive quality in a mate?

I just want to disappear. To blend in. I am the girl in your kindergarten who sits quietly in the corner reading and doing her own work, trying to stay away from harm while the rest of the class morphs into zoo animals. How can I stand it if my kid turns out to be everything I'm not.

I am not a natural when it comes to entertaining crowds and perhaps not meant to be in the industry. I may never be the best or popular but who cares. I love the art of expression and I don't mind working hard for the opportunity to perform. And for me, that is enough.

posted by Pocahontas @ 9:16 PM