How to Be Supportive
I'm learning how to be more supportive and I found this website particularly helpful - http://www.supportiverelationship.info/index.htmTHE SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP
So many times I’ve been in a situation that called for me to be a supportive friend, mom, daughter or wife. Being supportive didn’t come natural at first. My instinct was to critique the situation, or even attempt to fix the problem.
But I learned that unless someone comes to you with a question such as, “What should I do?” or “What do you think about this,” your supportive role does not call for you to judge, criticize, or fix the problem. It took some time for me to realize this. But one day, the lightbulb came on and I realized that what really helps is to be a good listener and to have a caring heart.
If and when your are asked for input, resist the urge to tell them the brutal truth of what you really think. After all, this isn’t about you!
OK, now that you get the idea of the wrong thing to do in your supportive role as a parent, spouse, or friend, here is a better way to support your loved ones.
Supportive Do's and Don'ts
Don't criticize the situation
Don't use resistive body language
Do be a good listener
Do offer a compliment
Don't suggest obstacles
Don't decide what they "should" do
Do realize we all get to be our own person
Do always take your friend's side
Don't let your kid always have their way
Do let them know you care
Do take interest in their activities
Supporting Your Partner
Lets start with a husband or wife who is toying with the idea of leaving their full time paying job to follow a dream – their own business, writing a book, or marketing an invention. Instinct aside, your reaction should be to listen to the whole presentation without interruptions or giving disapproving looks. Your body language is EVERYTHING. Uncross those arms, lose that scowl or frown, and be genuinely open to the new concept. Fight the urge to shut down mentally and to prepare your negative response or criticism. Really hear what they have to say. Once you have given them your undivided attention and they’ve had the opportunity to completely present the idea, you should respond with something “supportive” such as “That sounds really good,” or “I’m really impressed with how you’ve come up with such an innovative idea.” This may not be how you really feel, but who knows… if you actually listened to him or her with an open mind, this may actually be how you truly feel. Unfortunately, many people don’t listen to a whole presentation without shutting down immediately or shortly after the person starts to talk. Either that or they are spending much of the time thinking about what they will respond with. This prevents them from not only having an open mind, but from hearing the full story.
So, what happens next as a supportive partner? Well, you have to follow through. You’ve heard the idea, you’ve complimented the person for being so innovative, and maybe you’ve even added ideas of your own to help advance your partner’s goal. Now, you need to let them proceed without putting obstacles in their path. Only you know what those obstacles are, and you have to continue the process of listening, hold back on negativity, and not place obstacles or “sabotaging” their efforts. That is a truly supportive partner.
What about the day to day support system of a husband or wife? That is more complex to discuss because different types of couples have different types of needs. There is the couple who has children; the couple with one working spouse; the couple with two working spouses; or the couple which has a disabled partner, aging parent, or disabled child to care for. All of these types of couples have different problems and the way to be supportive can be very specialized. So, lets be generic as to what a supportive spouse should be.
We all enter a relationship with our own individual ideas of what a partner “should” be. We develop our ideas based on our parents and how they were, or maybe even television shows that we have watched and thought, “That is how a relationship should be.” No matter how our ideas were formed, just remember that our husband or wife has done the same thing. They have developed their own ideas of what a relationship should be and now you two are coming together to make your own little family. Needless to say, there is a good chance that the two of you may have very different formulas for the perfect relationship. The problems begin when neither of you are doing what your partner believes you SHOULD be doing. Well, of course not… you’re doing what YOU believe is the correct thing to do. So, how do you come together and be supportive to each other on a day to day basis?
First of all, communication is the key factor. Have a discussion BEFORE you join together permanently, so that each of you knows how your partner or potential partner feels about the daily aspects of life. Discuss if/when you want children, if/when you will have pets, how you feel about drug/alcohol use or gambling (you’d be surprised how many people fight over this), which of you will work or stay home with kids, how the household chores are divided between a husband and wife, how you feel about traveling, whether religion is a deal breaker, and maybe even politics could be a potential issue. You don’t need to agree on everything, but at least you’ll know whether any of these topics will be so drastically different from your partner that there is no way to resolve the difference. This would be a good time to keep looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.
If you decide to ignore the potential disaster, then you need to accept the fact that you will probably not have a supportive relationship with your partner, or you will need to alter your perception of what a supportive relationship really is.
A supportive relationship is one that does not judge or criticize when your partner does something different than you. He/she is their own person – an adult – who gets to be themselves whether you agree with it or not. And you get to be your own person – an adult – who gets to be who you are whether he/she agrees with it or not. He likes beer, you like wine. He likes computers, you like television. He likes to stay at home, you like to travel. He likes to go to happy hour for an hour after work, you like to go directly home. None of these things are deal breakers. Let him be him, and he should let you be you. After all, isn’t it all about being supportive and both of you being happy?
What about the “really important” event that either he or she wants to attend? Your partner doesn’t really want to go, but this is also where the compromise and support comes in. Make a pact early on in the relationship – when one of you has something that is very important to you but doesn’t really matter either way to the other, then the couple will go the event together, as a supportive gesture. That doesn’t mean holding this over their head or keeping tabs on who has more “wins.” This means doing it out of love and support, and you’ll find that your partner will gladly reciprocate when the tables are turned.
Supporting Your Friend
We don’t really need to explore a man supporting his male friend because men already have it the way they want it. When men “hang out” with their male friend, it’s to talk about carburetors or fishing or how their favorite sports team did this week. They certainly don’t want to talk about feelings or get girlfriend advice from their male friends.
The area that I believe to be more difficult is the girlfriend to girlfriend relationship. Maybe that is why it is less common for women to have a childhood friend last into old age. The friendship may last several years, but unlike men friendships, women seem to “move on” to newer girlfriends more frequently than men change their friendships.
A girlfriend relationship is delicate. That is because women are more complex and emotional, and it is easy to alienate a girlfriend by saying the wrong thing or not being supportive enough. So, what makes a perfect or supportive girlfriend relationship work?
A supportive girlfriend is always on her friend’s side, no matter what. When she is mad at someone, then you are mad at him or her too. When she is babbling about what happened at work or at home, a good friend listens and chimes in, “That is horrible! I don’t blame you for feeling that way!” You stay with your girlfriend through all of her male relationships, and you are always available when she’s going through a breakup or getting reunited. She’s going to need you to vent, or cry. She’s going to ask your advice, and when she does, you’re going to take her perspective on everything. Just remember, when she asks for advice, you’re not there to tell her what she did wrong and you’re not there to make her feel worse than she did when she came to you. If she does walk away feeling worse, then you didn’t do your JOB! Of course if she does ask your advice and you can give it to her without making her feel like she is a failure or did something wrong, then go ahead and give her the advice. Otherwise, your role as a supportive girlfriend is to make her feel better, so keep that in mind when you offer advice.
Someone recently asked me how is it possible to always make your friend feel better, because sometimes your advice has to be something they don’t want to hear. The scenario presented to me was “Suppose your friend is going to have their drug dealing boyfriend move in with her? What would you say to her then?” In a case like that I would still be supportive to my friend, but ask her something such as, “That sounds great! But aren’t you worried that if he gets arrested it may get you in trouble with your job?” This would give her something to consider and may even cause her to rethink her decision. But again, you are there as her supportive friend, not to live her life. And even if you did blast her with your real opinion, do you really think she would change her mind? She is still going to do what she wants, but now, you’ve affected your friendship with her and, Voila! You now have to go “girlfriend shopping” because you’ve lost the one you had. A GIRLFRIEND IS NOT A PARENT… SHE IS A SUPPORT SYSTEM!
Supporting a Grieving Friend
Another supportive role you might find yourself in is when a good friend has lost their spouse or partner. That is a position that many people find to be very uncomfortable. You’re afraid because you don’t know what to say, or you’re afraid to say the wrong thing and possibly make things worse. So, what do you do? You unintentionally avoid the person by procrastinating making the phone call or stopping by their home. This is the worst thing you could possibly do! They need you now more than ever!
Again, when you are there as a supportive friend, you are there to listen, to care, and definitely not to “fix” their pain. Just listen, let them cry and let them talk about their pain. It's common for them to want to tell stories of their beloved, and also to tell you how their loved one is sending them messages or signs from beyond. Your response is to listen, acknowledge and to believe them. They have a need to believe, and if you want to be supportive, give them what they need.
After a few months have passed, its important to call your friend often for lunch, shopping, or a movie. Of course it’s all right to ask how they’re doing, but its not necessarily a good idea to bring up the subject of the loved one. As the day progresses, I find that the grieving friend will often times bring up the subject themselves at some point when something reminds them of their loved one. When that does happen, you go right back to rule number one: Listen attentively, don’t interrupt their stories, don’t change the subject, and give them a pat on the hand or a big hug. And of course, let them cry. This is the best and most supportive thing you can do as a friend grieves.
Even after a few years have passed, your friend may bring up their loved one. Let them talk, don’t interrupt them, and definitely don’t change the subject! To be supportive is to be patient, attentive, and the warm touch is still always welcome. Resist the urge to make them “feel better” by bringing up a more cheerful topic. That can come off as uncaring or uninterested. LET THEM TALK UNTIL THEY’RE DONE.
posted by Pocahontas @ 12:19 PM
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