Brown Nuggets

5 Love Languages

What are the 5 love languages?

1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality TIme
3) Acts of Service
4) Gift Giving
5) Physical Touch

See! Somebody was paying attention during church service :o)

Actually I have Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages lah! That's the guy who came up with the whole "love language" theory. And i think this topic was introduced in my church about 10 years ago. I was totally blown away by this concept and decided to get the book as a form of investment in my future relationship/s (turned out to be quite a lot more than i expected but I believe I've finally come to my last - Praise God!)

Anyway, in his book, Chapman talks about a love tank which exists in every single person. This love tank is slowly filled when your partner/friends/family show love towards you. When you do not receive love, the tank eventually becomes empty - evaporation :O)

Different people, depending on their upbringing have different preferred love languages - primary and secondary. Usually, you will tend to show love in the way that you want to be loved. Does that make sense? For example, my primary love language is Gift Giving (I think) so I'm always trying to buy things for people I love - eg. my bf and mom.

Gift Giving

Tip for Gift Giving:
1) Give good gifts! Don't buy items (for people) that you would not like to receive yourself e.g. photo frames, albums :o)
2) Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also! The reason so many people have their eyes glued to the stock market is because they have invested plenty of money there. So if you want to have your eyes glued on your partner, invest in her. And all the women say - AMEN :o)
3) If you are not very rich, don't worry coz the gift does not necessarily have to be something expensive - Just meaningful!

Pastor shared a very touching story of him and his wife taking their honeymoon in Perth. At that time, they were very poor and could only afford to stay at the cheapest motel and even had to share a packet of fish and chips for each meal. They were window shopping in the city when Sun passed by a shoe shop with the words SALE and was looking longingly at a very nice pair of shoes (or was it boots). Anyway, hers were already very old and battered (like the chips) but because they did not have much money, Pastor gently explained to her that they needed to save the money for the work of the church. And of course Sun accepted that and they slowly walked away. A few steps down, however, God spoke to Pastor and reprimanded him saying that his wife had given up so many things to marry him and that telling Sun she couldn't buy the shoes was as good as telling her that God was not able to provide for her. Convicted, Pastor led Sun back to the shop and told her that God just spoke to him and told him to let her buy whatever shoes she wanted. That day, she left the shop with several bags of shoes, contented, elated.

Okay, it didn't sound as convincing as when Pastor was telling the story. Anyway, side-track for a moment - Pastor and Sun both gave up scholarships to UK to start our church. Such dedicated, obedient and sacrificial people. I am speechless...

Back to Love Languages

However, if the recepient's primary and secondary love language is not Gift Giving, the gift may not mean that much to them. They may perhaps want you to just to spend more time with them - Quality Time. So if you wish to effectively communicate your love, you need to know what is your partner's primary and secondary love language.

Words of Affirmation (Most Men)

Tip for Words of Affirmation:
1) Measured praise is no praise! Bring out the good in people! Everyone has something good that you can praise or encourage. Even the devil - he doesn't give up :o)
2) People with this primary love language tend to be doubly affected by negative criticism and mean remarks.
3) Never put down your partner infront of other people (eg. saying she is a lousy cook or irresponsible man) coz whatever you put down will go down in value in your eyes. Your partner will also develop low self-esteem.

Sidetrack - Did you know that for every nasty thing you say to someone, you will need to say 14 positive things (or was it 7) to minus out the effect of the negative comment?

Quality Time (Most Women)

Tip for Quality Time:
1) Undivided attention and a sympathetic ear! Women do not necessarily need a solution for their problems. Just a listening ear they can whine and complain to.
2) Watching TV/movies, playing computer games, having dinner while eavesdropping on conversations from the next table or people watching, giving distracted one word answers are not considered Quality Time.

The other two:

Acts of Service
1) Must be at the right place at the right time and offer help when it is most needed.
2) Includes opening doors for ladies, carrying groceries, heavy bags, helping with the ironing, washing, cleaning, cooking, bringing out the garbage, running errands, taking care of your partner when he/she is sick, providing for the family (aka earning money)

Physical Touch
1) Not just referring to sex.
2) Includes hugging, kissing, holding hands, and even carrassing arms or back
3) Conservative asians tend to find it difficult to express love in this way - How many of you have ever had your dad hug you, kiss you and tell you he loves you? A lot less than you would think. Children who grow up in such environments can become emotionally shutdown adults who cannot share about their feelings, cry (nan2 ren2 liu2 xie3 bu4 liu2 lei4), or explain why he/she is angry. Many men are like that and they will tend to perform disappearing acts, give you cold one word answers, avoid calls and ignore smses.

My boyfriend is the most emotionally open guy I've ever met. I guess that's why could become such good friends at first.

Anyway, I truly believe that the reason so many couples fall out of love a few years into the marriage is because of the lack of love communication. Imagine a husband/father working very hard to provide for the family (Acts of Service) and buying his Children a lot of toys (Gift Giving) because he loves them while the wife and children feel unloved because he is not giving them enough attention (Quality Time).

The moral of the story is that if you want to stay lovey dovey forever, be fluent in your partner's primary and secondary love languages. And it helps to be proficient in all languages as well.

posted by Pocahontas @ 11:22 AM